That's when things really went wrong. i never really remember being happy but two years ago, dear me, its a milestone. In celebration I've been in bed the last two days realising....there isn't actually anything to my life. I've only spoken to my boyfriend and one friend in the last three weeks, I have no job, no qualifications, my family seriously need to fix themselves before they come near me... there really is nothing.
Should I be happy about this though? Okay, so I have no money, no friends or family by me, no one to help but isn't this what I wanted. No pressure. Although I suppose I do have pressure. Im madly in love with my boyfriend. So I have the pressure without the pleasures? but so what? should that even matter. I need something to live for, and considering I dont know how to have fun or what I want to do with my life, it's very very hard to find. I need a new start with a new focus....unfortunatly the only thing i can think of is being thin. I don't want to go back there. do i?
My boyfriend had a girlfriend before me for just over a year.She's very different to me; prety, slim,happy, fun.Everything i want to be, but more plastic. Annd oh yes, ohhhh yesss, just in time shes got back in touch with him. Phoning him, adding him on facebook. Should i be more like her? maybe then id be happy...
Friday, 13 March 2009
Thursday, 12 March 2009
if things went my way once...
Would it be so bad if thing's went my way once?? Or is that a really selfish and unrealistic demand? I mean, whose to know, if things did go my way would I even appreciate it or would I find more and more holes? It's pretty confusing I guess.
What I do know anyways, is that right now, I can't remember the last time things did go my way. Every day off my boyfriend gets, I sit at the bottom of a rock while he climbs because it's what he wants to do. Whenever I have a party, my friends are pretty inconsiderate. I'm fine with drugs, but not throwing up everywhere because of them. Or people throwing up in my bed and on my clothes and having sex in my bed while im on the floor in the next room and not telling me. Not cool. So now I havn't spoken to them in two weeks or more and don't know what to do. i dropped out of school and now I'm thinking about going back to uni, went all the way to cardiff to talk to some guy who said I could get in on the phone who was SHIT. Seriously rubbish. Didn't say anything of use other than i have to do more training.Great. After some major rushing to get there.I freaked out.
Thing is, I have no idea what normal people do for fun thats actually fun now... like with their boyfriendsor something. I tend to do whatever everyone else wants, or get really drunk. I just dont really have fun anymore.....
What I do know anyways, is that right now, I can't remember the last time things did go my way. Every day off my boyfriend gets, I sit at the bottom of a rock while he climbs because it's what he wants to do. Whenever I have a party, my friends are pretty inconsiderate. I'm fine with drugs, but not throwing up everywhere because of them. Or people throwing up in my bed and on my clothes and having sex in my bed while im on the floor in the next room and not telling me. Not cool. So now I havn't spoken to them in two weeks or more and don't know what to do. i dropped out of school and now I'm thinking about going back to uni, went all the way to cardiff to talk to some guy who said I could get in on the phone who was SHIT. Seriously rubbish. Didn't say anything of use other than i have to do more training.Great. After some major rushing to get there.I freaked out.
Thing is, I have no idea what normal people do for fun thats actually fun now... like with their boyfriendsor something. I tend to do whatever everyone else wants, or get really drunk. I just dont really have fun anymore.....
Saturday, 7 March 2009
This is me...
...I guess. It's always hard to tell. I change quite a lot. Right now, I'm a tired teenager who wants to get stoned and listens to too much death cab for cutie on the outside, with a tired middle aged woman having a mid-life crisis on the inside. I do know three thing's about myself though, I do like death cab for cutie, I'm deffinetly tired and I really don't know who I am or where I'm going !
I'm a maths and science geek, an artist and musician, a fitness obsessive with a fixation of food and a drippy-hippy dreadlocks and insence kinda girl rolled into one with an added essence of being terrrrified of making big decisions for myself. This makes thing's pretty hard when you consider that I don't hold any real skill other than lying around all day smoking, taking drugs and getting drunk. I mean don't get me wrong, that isn't all I do. Thinking about it, I don't even think I'd be very good at that. I don't have the stamina or the attention span. I've been the top-of-the-class-teachers-pet-type, but I've been the drop-out-of-school-early-bitter-and-sarcastic-type too.
I've moved from London to Germany to Wales to Buckinghamshire and back to Wales. Lived with my parents, my boyfriend and alone. In houses, flats, communes and even an army base. And guess what? Now, I have no idea where I'm meant to be. To avoid making the decision between my parents in Oxfordshire (completely new, scary and alone) or my boyfriend (who lives where I used to work, with a LOT of uptight people lurking) I braved the move to a flat alone.
So here I am. No job, no qualifications, no skills, feeling pretty alone. Ace.
Things aren't all bad of course. 6 months ago I met Josh, who took my breath away completely. We don't have the perfect relationship. I rely on him far too much and I do get scared that he won't be able to cope with my loopyness anymore and run off, but I really couldn't ask for anything more in a person. He is my superhero :] even my mum (who pretty much banned me from marriage when I was about 11) will admit it. Although I don't really consider them friends, or appreciate them as much as I should, I also have a lot of people to look out for me. My old bosses, Becky and Joyceline, Josh's friend Sam, old friends and Charlotte, who I can't call a friend becaue I'd rather consider her my little girl. She's only two years younger than me but I can see so much of myself in her. It makes for a great friendship and helps me see thing's I wouldn't normally, even if it is scary seeing her go through things knowing I can't help. My parents are godsends, even though they have managed to mess my life up, like most parents do to their children. They live a long way away with my little brother Jamie, whose 6 but I live near my big brother (other) Josh whose 18, used to buy me booze and fags, and is so wrapped up in his own world.
There we have it. I think. I'm not great at deffinates. But I think that's me. For now.
I'm a maths and science geek, an artist and musician, a fitness obsessive with a fixation of food and a drippy-hippy dreadlocks and insence kinda girl rolled into one with an added essence of being terrrrified of making big decisions for myself. This makes thing's pretty hard when you consider that I don't hold any real skill other than lying around all day smoking, taking drugs and getting drunk. I mean don't get me wrong, that isn't all I do. Thinking about it, I don't even think I'd be very good at that. I don't have the stamina or the attention span. I've been the top-of-the-class-teachers-pet-type, but I've been the drop-out-of-school-early-bitter-and-sarcastic-type too.
I've moved from London to Germany to Wales to Buckinghamshire and back to Wales. Lived with my parents, my boyfriend and alone. In houses, flats, communes and even an army base. And guess what? Now, I have no idea where I'm meant to be. To avoid making the decision between my parents in Oxfordshire (completely new, scary and alone) or my boyfriend (who lives where I used to work, with a LOT of uptight people lurking) I braved the move to a flat alone.
So here I am. No job, no qualifications, no skills, feeling pretty alone. Ace.
Things aren't all bad of course. 6 months ago I met Josh, who took my breath away completely. We don't have the perfect relationship. I rely on him far too much and I do get scared that he won't be able to cope with my loopyness anymore and run off, but I really couldn't ask for anything more in a person. He is my superhero :] even my mum (who pretty much banned me from marriage when I was about 11) will admit it. Although I don't really consider them friends, or appreciate them as much as I should, I also have a lot of people to look out for me. My old bosses, Becky and Joyceline, Josh's friend Sam, old friends and Charlotte, who I can't call a friend becaue I'd rather consider her my little girl. She's only two years younger than me but I can see so much of myself in her. It makes for a great friendship and helps me see thing's I wouldn't normally, even if it is scary seeing her go through things knowing I can't help. My parents are godsends, even though they have managed to mess my life up, like most parents do to their children. They live a long way away with my little brother Jamie, whose 6 but I live near my big brother (other) Josh whose 18, used to buy me booze and fags, and is so wrapped up in his own world.
There we have it. I think. I'm not great at deffinates. But I think that's me. For now.
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