This is me...

...I guess. It's always hard to tell. I change quite a lot. Right now, I'm a tired teenager who wants to get stoned and listens to too much death cab for cutie on the outside, with a tired middle aged woman having a mid-life crisis on the inside. I do know three thing's about myself though, I do like death cab for cutie, I'm deffinetly tired and I really don't know who I am or where I'm going !

I'm a maths and science geek, an artist and musician, a fitness obsessive with a fixation of food and a drippy-hippy dreadlocks and insence kinda girl rolled into one with an added essence of being terrrrified of making big decisions for myself. This makes thing's pretty hard when you consider that I don't hold any real skill other than lying around all day smoking, taking drugs and getting drunk. I mean don't get me wrong, that isn't all I do. Thinking about it, I don't even think I'd be very good at that. I don't have the stamina or the attention span. I've been the top-of-the-class-teachers-pet-type, but I've been the drop-out-of-school-early-bitter-and-sarcastic-type too.

I've moved from London to Germany to Wales to Buckinghamshire and back to Wales. Lived with my parents, my boyfriend and alone. In houses, flats, communes and even an army base. And guess what? Now, I have no idea where I'm meant to be. To avoid making the decision between my parents in Oxfordshire (completely new, scary and alone) or my boyfriend (who lives where I used to work, with a LOT of uptight people lurking) I braved the move to a flat alone.

So here I am. No job, no qualifications, no skills, feeling pretty alone. Ace.

Things aren't all bad of course. 6 months ago I met Josh, who took my breath away completely. We don't have the perfect relationship. I rely on him far too much and I do get scared that he won't be able to cope with my loopyness anymore and run off, but I really couldn't ask for anything more in a person. He is my superhero :] even my mum (who pretty much banned me from marriage when I was about 11) will admit it. Although I don't really consider them friends, or appreciate them as much as I should, I also have a lot of people to look out for me. My old bosses, Becky and Joyceline, Josh's friend Sam, old friends and Charlotte, who I can't call a friend becaue I'd rather consider her my little girl. She's only two years younger than me but I can see so much of myself in her. It makes for a great friendship and helps me see thing's I wouldn't normally, even if it is scary seeing her go through things knowing I can't help. My parents are godsends, even though they have managed to mess my life up, like most parents do to their children. They live a long way away with my little brother Jamie, whose 6 but I live near my big brother (other) Josh whose 18, used to buy me booze and fags, and is so wrapped up in his own world.

There we have it. I think. I'm not great at deffinates. But I think that's me. For now.